Defining "Toxic Masculinity," or, Terms of Enragement

An interesting thing happened on the way to blogging today.

Yesterday, I began a series of posts which will attempt to deconstruct the complicated knots around toxic masculinity: particularly in light of the recent power abuse scandals, resulting in sexual and physical aggression, primarily although not exclusively against women.

I began the series, perhaps surprisingly, with a history of my own experiences of positive masculinity among my male mentors.  Men who raised me up, rather than kept me down.  Men who shaped how I view masculinity: which is noble, kind, protective, encouraging, challenging, and virtuous.

I expected to be lambasted for daring to say that there were good men in the world.  Instead, I was lambasted by men for saying anything about men at all.  

Defining Terms

So, let's start by defining terms.  Just what is "toxic masculinity?"  Is it a helpful phrase?  What exactly are we deconstructing here?

The term "toxic masculinity" appears to have been initially coined by the Mythopoetic Men's Movement (MMM) of the 1980's-90's, which sought to restore the "deep masculine" to modern man.  Inspired by the works of Joseph Campbell and Carl Jung, and not to be confused with Tolkein's mythopoeia, the MMM led by Shepherd Bliss used the term "toxic masculinity" to disassociate negative traits among men from the good of masculinity itself.

Things which were deemed toxic to masculinity include:

• Shame, disassociation, and avoidance of emotional expression;
• Extreme self-reliance;
• The over-aspiration for physical, sexual and intellectual dominance;
• The systematic devaluation of women's opinions, body and sense of self; and by extension
• A condemnation of anything "feminine" within another man.

Lingual Appropriation and Retaliation

Since then, the term has been picked up by feminists and has had a recent resurgence in the light of egregious actions done by men, from the sexual misconduct of Louis CK to the apologetics for the same from Matt Damon. 

Due to this, there's been a pushback to the term "toxic masculinity" from the modern descendants of the MMM, such as the Menenist movement, #YesAllMen, #NotAllMen, The Red Pill, and others.  The pushback has continued through the male apologetics in the conservative right, largely disapproving of the term because of its association to the perceived liberal agenda of the feminist movement.

The usual objection to "toxic masculinity" is that the term may be construed to mean that all men are by nature toxic.  Or that masculinity is, at its essence, evil.  Of course, for those laboring under this misunderstanding, it's natural that some might object to the term or even deny that toxic masculinity exists.  After all, at least in Christian doctrine, all things were created good - including men. 

But also in Christian doctrine, all things fell.  Including men.

What's Your Poison?

So, by this definition, what does toxic masculinity look like?  In my own experience, I've been on the receiving end of overt sexual harassment, as well as systematic sexism in the workplace, too.

Overt sexual harassment - the boy who looked up my skirt, the jock who made unwanted advances for half a year, the Nigerian man in Paris who nearly abducted me, the man on the subway masturbating on the seat across from me - is easy to condemn.  It's easy to identify as assault, and therefore easier to press criminal charges.  I say "easier," because as we know, it only took several decades before Weinstein's victims were finally believed.

Which brings me to the considerably more insidious toxicity that allowed Weinstein and others to prey on those in their power:

When women's voices are disregarded because they were caught having an opinion while being female.

Take the case of Israel Horovitz, a prominent playwright who sexually abused the young women he was mentoring.  Although his misdeeds had already been published in a series of articles in 1993 in The Boston Phoenix, the allegations were dismissed.  The playwright claimed "character assassination," while the theatre board's then-president called Horovitz' victims, "tightly wound, if you know what I mean."  In short, the predator and his accomplice called the women crazy, and everyone believed the predator and his accomplice. 

A similar thing happened to me just today.  In posting yesterday's article on a few groups on Facebook, I was told by one man that: "Toxic masculinity is a myth... Knock off the divisive BS."  While another man (not an author) went to great length to give me advice about how to make my blog more appealing to men, while also calling me "brazen" and saying that it was:

"...preachy for a woman to tell a man how to be a man, especially without conceding that she isn't a man and couldn't possibly know what that's like.  It is additionally awkward when the woman spends a particularly large amount of space talking about how she engages in these authentically masculine activities. It comes across as telling us that you both understand masculinity better than men and actually engage in masculine activities more than men."

When asked for further clarification about what emotional wound I was striking in my article complimenting masculinity, or what "authentically masculine activity" I had usurped, I was told that he couldn't be bothered - at which time, his wife swooped in to scold me for hurting his feelings.

This may not be an example of sexual predation, but it is textbook toxicity.  Go back to a few of the symptoms of this particular poison:

• Shame, disassociation, and avoidance of emotional expression;
• The over-aspiration for physical, sexual and intellectual dominance;
• The systematic devaluation of women's opinions, body and sense of self 

Curiously, towards the end of the exchange with the second man, I found myself feeling more and more toxic myself.  Wanting to hurl such unhelpful invective as: "What?  Did I make you cry, girly man?  Gotta have your wife come out and tell me to shut up?"  You know.  Fun internalized misogyny that I carry around, too.  Toxicity hurts everyone.

A Few Good Men

But perhaps, O my apparent male readership, you cannot hear what I am saying Because Female.  In that case, let me introduce you to Harris O'Malley, aka Dr. Nerdlove, who has this to say about what it's like for a man to carry around internalized misandry.  (Section quoted nearly in full with picture, because it's worth reading.)  In regards to why "good men" don't believe women when they report being victimized:

"One of the issues with being a 'good' man is that it’s definitional. Because we see ourselves as good, we assume that, by default, what we do is good. One of the reasons why sexism and harassment goes unchecked in geek spaces is because geeks often define themselves in contrast to jocks and bullies. Jocks are rape-y, bullying assholes and the opposite of nerds, so clearly nerds can’t be bullying, rape-y assholes. Nice Guys are the opposite of those manipulative assholes so clearly they can’t possibly be manipulating women to get what they want.

"Once you’ve defined yourself as being 'one of the good ones,' it’s very hard to want to look around and admit that maybe you aren’t as good as you could be. Very, very few people like to believe that they might not be the good guy, and so they’re invested in not asking too many questions.

"This is why so many men get their backs up when someone points out that they could be doing better. Criticism, even mild criticism, gets taken as a deeply personal attack because hey: you’re one of the good ones.

"And that desire to believe in your goodness reflects not just on you but the people you associate with. After all, if you find out that someone in your social circle has been harassing women… well, what does that say about you? You’re a good man. You’d never put up with this. But you did. So what does that say about you? 

"This doesn’t happen at the conscious level. Nobody thinks to themselves 'I’d rather keep my friend who gets drunk and tries to corner women in the bathroom because admitting he’s rape-y reflects badly on my choices.' What they do think is that this is their friend. He’s shared their secrets. He’s invited them to his parties, made them laugh. They’ve broken bread together and drank beers together. Surely he can’t be that bad, right? There has to be a reason that this isn’t as bad as it seems.

"And so the rationalization begins. Maybe she was mistaken. She must be exaggerating. He didn’t mean it. He’s not that bad. It’s not him, it’s the drinking. It’s the drugs. He’s going through a bad time.

"It’s easier to explain why your problematic friend isn’t bad than it is to look around and realize that you need to improve.

"The other, related reason however is that same system that empowers men. Men tend to believe other men above women. Many of these scandals only 'broke' because a man reported on them – despite women shouting about it to the skies. The fact that Bill Cosby was drugging and raping women was an open secret in Hollywood. Multiple women came forward to accuse Cosby and nobody listened or cared. But once Hannibal Buress called him out publicly, the story began to get traction. Many, many women – especially trans women – were shouting about Milo [Yiannopoulos], but again, it took a Buzzfeed article written by a man to finally make everyone sit up and listen.

"This isn’t to say that they shouldn’t have spoken up. But it’s important to acknowledge system [sic] that privileges their voices above the voices (and lived experiences) of their victims."

I recommending reading his blog, although be warned that he doesn't shy away from language.  But for those of you struggling with some wound regarding your masculinity, and seething that I might have something to say about it, may I suggest you go see the doctor?

Now to those still remaining...!

A Voice to be Reckoned With

So, let's engage from afar with man number two.  Upon what authority do I speak about the poisons plaguing too many modern men?  Well, I speak with the same authority as a mother does to her son, or a sister to her brothers, a teacher to her students, a doctor to her patient.  A lover to her beloved.

Because at the end of the day, nothing gets changed without love.  Nor do you have any reason to listen to me if you presume I am the enemy, or if I come at you with hatred and a desire for your destruction.  No.  I desire the restitution - as far as that is possible in this corrupted world - of positive masculinity within men.  Just as I desire the restitution of positive femininity within women.  (Something that I'm sure I'll be writing about more, soon.)

Nor do I entirely blame those men who see the term "toxic masculinity" and immediately presume they are being personally singled out to be shamed.  The very term they dislike is the very thing that haunts them.  The shame, and inability to name that shame, is the very poisonous thing being suffered.  The need to keep a certain "pride" by silencing the women - especially the women - who would dare to name the disease is the very thing killing their souls.  But it can be overcome.

And, like Wormtongue's hold on Theoden, to return to Tolkein's mythopoeia, it's this very homebody toxicity which must be excised in order to let positive masculinity flourish.  Take it away, Gandalf:


~*~

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